Maturity

Maturity is many things

How you handle what you see
How you choose who to be

     do you holler
          do you shout

or maybe

     you're the kind to pout

There's a kind of maturity
a kind that hasn't strived to be

The kind that starts inside oneself
shows itself

     insecurity
          instability
               inability

Maturity is many things

How you handle what you see
How you choose who to be

There's a kind of maturity
a kind that strives hard to be

The kind that starts inside oneself
shows itself

     caring
          sharing
                understanding

Maturity is many things

It's choosing how you want to be

Silence

Raised in chaos
Raised in noise

Silence always seemed to me
A rare and precious luxury
I never dreamed that it could be
A vicious hurtful enemy

I grew a silence that you’d not believe
A silence that was haunting me

Taunting me

I made a daughter
Small and blond
One locked in silent melancholy

Each day it seemed to always be
A constant struggle to be free

She unlocked her fear
She found her voice

Rejoice

Silence no longer her destiny

To read about my daughter's journey, read Silent Emma
To learn more about Selective Mutism, go to Rid the Silence

Untitled No. 3

Pain and sorrow
   join in me

Arouse in me

Embrace in me

Pain and sorrow
   die in me

Pain and sorrow
   make me see

I own my happy
   It lives in me

Others in the Untitled series can be found here: Untitled No. 1; Untitled No. 2

Untitled No. 2

Keep your head up
     Keep your bearing
           All around the world

uncaring

Seek out love
     Beware of hate
Know the difference
     Choose your fate

The fate I choose
     My fate is love

Others don't
               or can't
                    or won't

The fate they choose
     The one not love
The fate they choose
     Those that hate

They live in sorrow

They live in waste

My fate is sealed
   I live in light

Beauty
    Passion
        Love

Untamed

Others in the Untitled series can be found here: Untitled No. 1; Untitled No. 3

Untitled No. 1

I start a thought and off it goes.
I catch it and I try to smash it, subdue it.
Thoughts like butterflies
Try to grab it and it dies
Smeared and ugly in my mind
I want to think
I want to write
I guess I can’t
Not tonight

Hold your head up
Hold your bearing
Especially when the world’s uncaring

Look for love
Beware of hate
Know the difference
One holds your fate

I choose my fate
My fate is love
I’m sorry for the other one
The one that hates
The one that’s bitter

Look to others
You can see
The fate they chose
The lies they live

Ugly anguish in their midst

The fate they chose
The one not love

No

They chose the other one

Savor all that comes to pass
Even when it kicks your ass

Others in the Untitled series can be found here: Untitled No. 2; Untitled No. 3

Growing up

I never wanted to be a grown up. Sure, I wanted to be an adult, as in over 21, but a grown-up. Not hardly. I wanted the world without responsibility. A full-on 24 hour party.

I only recently started to refer to myself as a grown-up. At 40ish (well 39). I feel, finally, like I get it. I’m a grown-up and I like being a grown-up. It’s a title. An honor, actually. I feel like I’ve achieved something. Someone bring me a trophy. It should not have a bowling figure on the top. It should have a star or a giant #1. Oh, it should be engraved as well. With my name and achievement. Something along the lines of:

Barbara Mulvey-Welsh

Grown-up

It’s about damn time

It should sparkle too. A lot. Being a grown-up is hard. Damn it. You get no accolades for doing the right thing. The responsible thing. Yeah, it stinks. You do get personal satisfaction so at least I have that going for me.

It’s time to mount up children of the 60s and fulfill our destiny as grown-ups. No whining, no crying, no bumpers, no helmets. Full on contact grown-up-ness.

It’s pretty cool, actually. But it's not for the faint of heart.

Who has the balls to join me?



Boys to Men

Dad gave me the best advice about boys and dating. One day, I think I was about 16, I was heartbroken after a HUGE fight with the current love of my life. I thought for sure we would stay broken up and my life would be ruined. I was a little high-strung when I was a teenager. Hard to believe, right.

I was probably crying when Dad yelled, "Jesus Christ (he prayed a lot) Blondie! In 20 years you won't even remember his name!" He then went on to say, "Boys are like trolleys, stand still for 5 minutes and another will be right along." He most likely added, "Enough with all the damn crying." Ah Dad, always bringing the warm and fuzzy. It had also been several years since Dad had waited for a trolley since 5 minutes, yeah, not so much.

Little did he realize I would take that advice to heart. Not the stop crying part, the trolley part. Literally. Over the next several years I enjoyed dating and meeting new guys. Breaking hearts and having fun.

When I was 19, I met my husband. Not Pat; that's still a few years off. No, I'm talking about my practice husband, Dana. We dated for a long time but were only married briefly. He was older than me by about 5 years. And smart. One of the smartest people I've ever met. Also, kind of a jerk.  But he's not the point of this blog, I am.

I met Pat the year we lost Dad. On Halloween. We had a fight. We fought just about every time we saw each other. I was still married, although we had already separated. Pat and I slowly became friends. And along with Ed and Greg, we proceeded to get in loads of trouble and have a hell of a good time! Pat asked me out several times. I always resisted. I think I knew that it could get serious. Pat and his stubborness finally wore me down. The rest is history.

I don't classify realtionships in my life as mistakes, especially intimate, romantic relationships. Each important partner in my life left me different. Those experiences have left me, me.

Dad was wrong, I do remember that boy's name. We're Facebook friends and I'm glad that we are. We were important in each other's lives at one time and I'm glad that I didn't damage him beyond repair. I was a bit of a bitch. Hard to believe, I know. He taught me the importance of being gracious to those that love you. It took me a long time to understand that lesson but I'm glad I finally got it.

I'm (almost) sorry that I've lost touch with Dana. He gave me an education. Literally. He broadened my world and taught me how to think critically and impartially. He also taught me that some people need to control those in their lives in order to feel complete. Those types of people are not emotionally healthy and need counseling not a spouse.

That brings me to Pat. I can't imagine my life without him. Seriously. Our relationship is about the only subject I can't write about. Every time I start, it seems so trite and stupid. Hearts and hope and gah, stab me in the face, please!

Love you, Pattycakes. From the girl I was when we met to the woman I am now. You're the best man in the world for me and I'm glad you can tolerate my particular brand of bullshit.