I live

I live in laughter, in joy, in peace

I live with passion, with strength, with grief

I live for life, for joy, for light

I live to love, to fight, to be

I live as me

No apology

Cowards, defined

Cowards never learn to risk
Cowards never learn to be

Cowards live in murky depths
Cowards live in constant fear

Cowards hate what others have
Cowards hate what others make

Cowards take
                 and take
                         and take

There is no pride to overcome
There is no pride to achieve

Cowards, demean

Ours - by Emma Mulvey-Welsh

Once again I turn my blog over to a guest blogger. This time it's my lovely and talented daughter, Emma. Emma will be sharing her first poem. Enjoy!

I am proud
Proud of me
Me and everyone
Everyone is not a hater
Haters are everyone
Everyone is perfection
Perfection is jealousy
Jealousy is silence
Silence is grand
Grand is excellence
Excellence is earned
Earned is hard
Hard is proud

Proud is
hard, earned, excellence, grand, silence, jealousy, perfection, everyone, haters, and me.

I am proud

Proud of me

Proud of my past, present, and future.

I am proud of

who I was, am and

will be

♥ emma ♥

Learn more about Emma at Silent Emma

Jeanine's Story

Today on Did I Say That Out Loud? I turn my blog over to a guest blogger. I’ve never done this before but I felt that this was a story that would resonate.

On Christmas Eve 2006, I had a pregnancy loss at 32 weeks. Conor, my son, lived for 3 1/2 hours then passed. Thankfully, I’ve come to terms that Conor is in a better, happier place. I know there’s a good reason he isn’t on this earth. I’ve spent many years speculating as to the whys, hows, etc. I truly believe the sadness I held was the beginning of my heart problems.

I carried this heartbreak around for a very long time. Keeping all the sadness and regret bottled up. I never wanted to cry in front of anyone. I felt I had to be strong for my family. Then in September 2007, I had a massive heart attack; I truly believe losing my son played into that.  When people say you can’t die of a broken heart that’s completely untrue. I believe that people can really do a number on themselves with stress and sadness.

I have to say it was the lowest point in my life. Actually, it was the deciding factor to end my horrible marriage (but that’s another blog)! I had been in an unhappy marriage with an abusive man.  To outsiders we looked like Barbie and Ken: big home, great jobs, world by the balls so to speak but behind closed doors, a small piece of me was dying each day. I tried repeatedly to make this marriage work. When I found out I was pregnant I did what any "nice" Irish catholic girl did, I stuck with the dirt bag.

Before our divorce, when we were participating in mediation, my husband, the man I thought special enough to want to spend the rest of my life with, looked at me and said, "Jeanine, the next time you have a heart attack do it the right way and die." Nice guy, huh. I laugh about it now but at the time the judge was so shocked he ended the mediation early and threw the book at him, literally. He’s still paying for that.

Well that’s history and I’m in a wonderful place in my life now. I thank God every day he kept me here to experience what true happiness feels like. I found my happy place with Matt. Matt is the man I should have met 20 years ago but I suppose everything in life is fate, even losing Conor.

Whew that’s a load off!

So enough of my rambling; I went off on the tangent today because one of my family members told me it is medically impossible to have heart problems from life’s "minor" road bumps. I knew she was referring to my son as a "minor road bump".  I would have liked to kick her in her ovaries (my favorite line from Anchorman lol)

No one ever really knew how sad I was about all of this.  Recently, I was finally able to let him go :( and what a load off its been; a heavy burden for anyone to carry around. I think its done my heart a world of wonders for me to find happiness again!!

CrAzY Internet Freaks

I've not hidden the fact that I love the internet, especially Facebook.

I have connected with family, old(ish) friends, current friends, and made new friends. I have also had the experience of dealing with the crazy internet freaks. Everyone has run up against at least one.

I've had the awesome luck to run into two such crazy internet freaks just this week!

The first; a disgusting homophobe on a political website that is spewing the most disgusting and vile face vomit I've ever heard and trying to couch it in science. Hey, lunatic - put the science down and back away before you hurt yourself or someone else. Seriously. Go peddle your filthy nonsense somewhere that's not where I am.

The second; a crackpot that is putting out misleading information regarding heart failure on a Facebook group that is dedicated to patients and their families. A place to come together and to answer each others questions and offer support. What do we get, we get bombarded with new-age holistic bullshit from a grifter that's trying to sell her "coaching" services and her oxygen machines. I already have oxygen machines - they're called my lungs. Asshat.

This troll actually had the audacity to tell me that I should have my doctors, that's right, my world-class cardiology team from one of the leading hospitals in the world "brush up" on her bullshit. Not even kidding.

Yes, she's still alive but just barely.

So, crazy internet freaks, a piece of advice from Melvin Udall, "Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."

Family Dinner

I love family dinners.

Pat and I decided early on that we would try to have as many dinners together as a family as possible. Even if that means sitting around on a Friday night watching a movie and having pizza. It's the time together that counts.

Dinner with the four of us gets more and more difficult to manage as they get older and their interests expand. We all got to sit down the other night. At the table no less! My dining room table is my most prized possession. It's a thing of beauty and simplicity. Seven feet long. That's right seven. Without a leaf. It was handmade in England from reclaimed barnwood. It's almost an inch thick. Solid wood. Not veneer. Not laminate. Solid wood planks. From English barns.

I'm a crazy person when it comes to my table. You will use a coaster or your beverage will be removed from the table. I issue one warning. If I'm expecting more than a couple of people, I'll break out the table pad and cloth. Mostly so I don't spend the entire visit planning on how I will kill the person that harms my table.

Digressing as usual so, back to dinner! It was right after the raid that killed Bin Laden and we, like most homes in the entire known universe, we were discussing it. Mostly, we were laughing about it. Laughing about pictures that were making the rounds on Facebook. My favorite: the one with the floating sandal. Remember, we laugh at everyone and everything. So zip it, internet-freaks, I'm not interested in your opinion on how I raise my babies.

My view, he's dead. I'm glad he's dead. I would have been glad had it happened under President Bush. But it didn't. Man in the Oval gets the credit and the blame. That's the way it works. At least in my world. So, John Yoo - shut your pie hole; Condi Rice - you too. If President Obama owns all the bad carried over, he owns this too. Can't have it both ways.

We have 3 more years of family dinners before Dylan graduates from high school. That's also 3 years before he has to register for Selective Service. Today, for the first time, I have hope that we can put a serious dent in the War on Terror. Like everything, only time will tell if I'm right.

For the time being, I'm content to keep my rose-colored glasses firmly in place.