Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Girls Like Us






I’m lying in the sand, eyes closed, listening as the wave’s crash against the rocks. I shiver against the early March chill, snuggling into my sweatshirt for warmth. I’m trying to remember why I needed to be on the beach on such a gray chilly day. Lately, I’ve had a yearning; a pull that is vague and undefined. I must be some kind of freak. I have a nice home, tons of friends, and a great boyfriend but something’s missing, something essential.

A shadow crosses my face and I open my eyes, looking up at Tommy, my boyfriend. I reclose my eyes, “How did you know where to find me?”

Tommy replies, “I’ve been texting you all morning and when you didn’t answer I figured I’d find you here since you’re always here.” I can hear the accusation in his voice and I’m instantly annoyed.

“Tommy, I don’t want to argue again. OK. I like it here.”

 “What’s so special about this place, Pam? No one’s here and it’s cold and windy.” Tommy asks with a scowl. He’s very social and is always much happier in a group.

Ignoring him, I stand and brush the sand from my jeans. I look out over the gray, choppy water and sigh. I want to answer Tommy but I don’t have an answer. I don't know why I’m drawn to the deserted beach. I do know that I don't want to talk to him about it. I don’t want to talk about it at all. To anyone. Most of the time I don’t even want to think about it.

Turning to Tommy, I grab his hand and say “Let’s go, I’m cold.” We walk together in the soft sand. 

“What do you want to do later?” he asks.

I shrug. “I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine.” Tommy smiles and pulls me close, slinging his arm casually over my shoulder. Together we walk to the parking lot. Tommy stops and grabs my bike from against the wall. He walks it over to his truck and puts it in the back. I hesitate, on the verge of telling him to stop; instead I go over to the truck and get in, deciding the fight over driving me home isn't worth it.

We drive the short distance to my house in silence.  Tommy pulls into the driveway and leans over and kisses me. I lean into him, giving him a small kiss back. “Text me later, I’m going to shower and do some homework.” Tommy nods. I can feel him watching me as I walk to the house.

Gently closing the front door I savor the warmth and quiet of the house. Leaning back against the door I listen for my family hoping that everyone is either sleeping or gone. It’s early but I can hear Mom on her phone in the kitchen; she’s always on the phone. The smell of coffee gets me going. Pushing off the door, I head down the short hall to the kitchen, hoping that I can grab a cup of coffee and get out of the kitchen before she gets off the phone. 

No such luck. Mom hangs up just as I walk into the kitchen. Turning to me, she says “Morning, Sunshine! Where have you been?”

Ignoring her, I walk over to the counter and pour my coffee before sitting at our large farmhouse table. I take a big sip of coffee before I answer “I went for a bike ride.”

Mom walks around the spacious kitchen picking up cups and plates and wiping the table down. As she starts washing the few dishes, she asks “What are you doing today?”

I hesitate for a second before answering, “Homework for a while, then maybe hang out with Patrice. Tommy wants to go to Liam’s later but I’m not sure I want to go.” I look over at her and realize she has totally stopped listening. Sighing, I get up and walk out, leaving my cup sitting on the table.

Taking the stairs two at a time, I pause on the landing to look out the window. It’s my second favorite spot in the house. This time of year you can catch a glimpse of the water if you stand just so. Standing there, I smile as I hear my older sister Eleanor in the bathroom blow drying her hair. Eleanor, or Ellie to everyone but Louis, can never be seen without everything being perfect, from her long auburn hair to her flawless make-up, Ellie is the opposite of me in every way. We have a great relationship but I’m glad that she’s busy since I don’t really want to listen to the details of her awesome life. I’ll bet she and Louis never fight.

I make it to my room without running into Dad or my younger brother, Harry. Shutting my door I flop on the bed. This is my sanctuary, my favorite place in the house. It’s not a big room but it’s perfect for me. Mom finally let me decorate it myself and I picked light green and lilac. I have a really cool bay window with a built in window seat and I love to sit there and stare outside, daydreaming. My bed is a pretty white day bed. Kevin, my small yellow stuffed elephant, sits right in the middle of all my crazy pillows.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see my phone flashing. I reach over and grab it and see four missed texts from Tommy and double that from Patrice, my best friend.

Patrice’s texts are increasingly urgent; taking a deep breath I call her. “Hey Patrice, what’s up?”

“Oh My God! Where are you? Have you heard?!” she yells.

“I’m home. I haven’t heard anything.”

Before I can finish, she interrupts. “Beth and Liam broke up!”

“Really, Patrice? That’s hardly news. They break up all the time.” I say, rolling my eyes.

Patrice replies, “This time it’s over, over! Beth caught Liam with another girl!”

“WHO?!”

“That’s what I want to know! You have to ask Tommy. He probably knows since Liam’s his best friend. Text him and find out! Then call me back!” She demands.

“Why don’t you ask Liam yourself?” Patrice and Liam are practically brother and sister. Their moms are cousins and best friends and Liam and Patrice were always together when they were kids. They went on vacations together and everything.

“He’s not talking to me. He says I need to mind my business and stop being so bossy.” Laughing she adds, “Like that’s going to happen in this life.”

I laugh along with her since Patrice acts like she’s the boss of the world. She’s a little exhausting to be around at times but she’s never dull.

“Fine, I’ll find out and call you back.”

Closing my eyes I take a deep breath, preparing to talk to Tommy. Hopefully, it won’t turn into another fight.

I remember when we never fought. We’ve been dating a little longer than a year, 13 months and 11 days exactly. Tommy was everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend, funny and cute and popular. His wavy black hair and dreamy blue eyes made me swoon every time I looked at him. I couldn't believe it when he was only interested in me. I almost fainted when he asked me out. We were perfect together or at least we used to be. Before.

I hated thinking about before. We really messed things up by going too far. I stop myself, I really messed things up. Tommy was still the same I was the one who changed. I really wish I could change it back but it was too late. Lying on the bed, I remember how happy we were just a month ago; I brush away the tear rolling down my face.

It was back in the beginning of February and we had just had our one year anniversary. We were both convinced that our relationship should move on to a more mature level. After all we love each other and are planning to spend the rest of our lives as a couple. It felt natural. We went to his house since his parents are rarely home and privacy wouldn’t be an issue. Plus, I thought it would be romantic. How awesome would it be that every night before he went to sleep he would remember what happened? He would know how much I loved him and how I couldn't wait until we could be together every night.

It was mid-afternoon, sunny and surprisingly warm for February, I walked the few blocks to his house. I couldn’t believe the day had actually arrived. I knew that later my entire life would be different; I would be different. Walking up to the front door, I pause on the porch but before I can knock, Tommy opens it. I jump into his arms, happy to see him. He wraps his arms around my waist and carries me into the house. We kiss as he sets me down. Hand in hand we walk into the living room.

“Do you want a coke or something?” Tommy asks softly.

I reply, “No, I just want you” as I lean against him, kissing him.

“We should go upstairs. But only if you want to?”

I nod and Tommy takes my hand and we go up the stairs to his room. I’ve never seen his room; since his parents are very strict about no girls being upstairs in the bedrooms which is weird since they’re never home to enforce it. I look around. It was nothing like I imagined. It’s warm and cozy. The walls are painted deep blue and are covered with posters of his favorite sports teams and bands. It was a little messy, especially the desk. Tacked on the wall above his desk was a picture of us at the beach last summer. I smile remembering how much fun we had that day.

Tommy takes my face in his hands and gently kisses my forehead. He laughs, “I’m a little nervous.”

 I sit down on the side of his bed “Me too but it will be ok.”

Tommy joins me, leaning over he kisses me as we lay down on the bed.

After it’s over, we are lost in our own thoughts.

 “Are you ok, Pam?”

I smile “I think so. Are you?” I feel him nod in reply.

Later, as he walks me home we are both quiet. It was an easy silence, comfortable. Walking me to the door he kisses me softly. I leaned into him, deepening the kiss.

“Love you, Tommy. I’ll text you later.”

Tommy smiles and walks away.

My phone vibrating pulls me out of my memory. It’s Patrice again wanting to know what happened with Beth and Liam. Ignoring her, I climb out of bed and sit at the window remembering what happened later.

It was so perfect. Tommy was amazingly sweet and gentle. He was so worried about hurting me and we were both nervous but trying to hide it. Later that night, I sat in this spot and wondered why I still felt the same. I had expected to feel different; to be different. Instead I was still just me.

 Bringing myself back to the present, I realize that I’m the reason we moved our relationship to the next level. I pushed Tommy. I was so focused on myself and what it would mean for me that I never really gave any thought to how it would affect him. Well that’s just perfect I thought what a horrible selfish person I am. Tommy deserves someone better; someone less selfish and immature; someone who would think of his feelings too. That person is apparently not me.

I start to cry as I finally understand that I have ruined the only perfect thing in my life. Not only that but I was taking my irritation with myself out on him. Could I be a worse person? I really have to try to be a better girlfriend.

Grabbing my phone, I text Tommy, “Hey handsome, what time do you want to pick me up tonight? I can’t wait to see you.”

Tommy texts back, “How does six o’clock sound? Everyone’s meeting at Liam’s but let’s grab a burger before heading over.”

Smiling I text back, “Perfect! Oh, what happened with B&L?”

“Nothing! Stupid rumors. They’re still together; Beth will be there tonight.”

“K, time for homework, I’ll see you at six.”

I start my homework feeling really happy for the first time in weeks.

After my homework is done, I take a quick shower and get dressed. As I’m putting in my earrings, Harry comes running up the stairs yelling “Hey emPAMnada, Hot TOMalè’s waiting and he’s talking to Dad!”

I laugh remembering how we got our nicknames. Tommy and I had just started dating and he came over for dinner to meet the family. Dad made Mexican food. After dinner, Tommy told Dad that his favorite dish was the empanadas.

Harry, being a clown, said “Don’t you mean emPAMnadas?”

Everyone at the table laughed and Tommy said "Yes, the emPAMnadas are muy bonita!" which made everyone laugh even harder.

Harry shouted "He's a hot TOMalè!" He’s been using those names ever since.

I yell back “Coming, Harry Meatballs!” Harry’s a pest at times but he can always make me laugh.

I check the mirror one more time. I’m wearing Tommy’s lacrosse hoodie and jeans, my favorite silver earrings and pink Converse. My long unruly brown hair is as tamed as it gets. Leaving my room, I shut the door and almost collide with Harry; we both laugh.

I hurry to rescue Tommy from having to spend too much time alone with Dad.

“Hi, Tommy” I say as I walk into the living room. “Ready to go?”

Tommy stands up when I come into the room. His smile widens when he sees I’m wearing his lacrosse hoodie making me glad I decided to wear it.

“Hi, Pammie” Dad says with a smile. “I haven’t seen you all day. What have you been up to?”

“Homework and stuff” I grab Tommy’s hand, pulling him toward the front door.

“Where are you going tonight?” Dad asks.

“Mr. Bradford, sir, we’re going to “Here’s the Beef” for burgers and then a bunch of us are meeting at Liam’s to hang out and have a fire.” Tommy answers.

“Call me Paul, please.” Turning to me he says “Home by midnight. Have fun….”

I groan, knowing what’s coming next,

“…but not too much fun!” he finishes. He says it every time one of us leaves the house.

Before we get in the truck, Tommy wraps his arms around my waist and leans down to kiss me softly. “I missed you” he whispers.

I go up on my toes and kiss him back, “Ditto”.

I love his truck. It’s older and a little banged up but he has worked and saved all the money to buy it and that he’s very proud of it, dents and rust and all. He has very clear goals and sets out to achieve them. It’s his greatest strength and, when I’m being honest with myself, it sometimes drives me crazy that he is so focused and has his whole life organized and planned. It makes me feel a little inadequate.

We pull into the parking lot of ‘Here’s the Beef’ and park. Tommy looks over at me and asks, “What are you thinking?”

I give him my biggest smile, “About how awesome you are.”

Tommy laughs, “You make me awesomer.” Leaning over he kisses me, opening the door behind me at the same time. We both slide out my door and head inside.

It’s quiet so the waitress tells us to sit wherever we want. We pick a booth in the back. Sliding in, I’m pleased that he decides to sit next to me. It will be nice to have a quiet dinner together before heading over to the chaos that is sure to be waiting at Liam’s. I hear the bell on the door and in walks Patrice and Beth. Patrice spots us immediately and shouts “PAMMIE! I’ve been looking EVERYWHERE for you! I should have known I’d find you two together.”

Tommy laughs and shakes his head. With feigned irritation I say “Patrice, I texted you and told you we’d be here and that we would be at Liam’s later. I can’t imagine it was that hard to find me!”

The waitress delivers the burgers and cokes as Patrice and Beth slide in across from us. They couldn’t be more different. Patrice is tall and thin with platinum blond hair that she recently cut into a pixie, shocking everyone. She always looks great and tonight is no exception. She is wearing red skinny jeans and a black turtleneck sweater. Around her neck she has a pretty turquoise stone on a silver chain. Shopping is Patrice’s favorite activity and, lucky for her, her mom has the means to keep her busy, not to mention that she owns ‘Threads’ the most fashionable store in town.

Beth, on the other hand, is petite and wears her long, black hair pulled into a neat pony-tail. Like me she is most comfortable in jeans and a hoodie and that’s exactly what she has on tonight. Unlike me, she is a great athlete and plays for the girls lacrosse team. Schools are already recruiting her and she’ll be able to play anywhere she wants.

“Oh, you meant this ‘Here’s the Beef?!’ How silly of me!”

“Hi Beth.” Tommy says. “Glad you decided to come tonight and stop the stupid rumor about Liam and you breaking up.”

Beth rolls her eyes wearily “If we broke up every time a stupid rumor said we did, we’d never be together. I guess it’s the price I have to pay for dating Liam ‘Studley’ Walsh. There’s always someone starting some stupid nonsense about us. Honestly though, it’s getting really tiresome. Don’t tell him I told you, but it’s totally worth it most days”

Tommy smiles back, “Your secret is safe with us!”

Interrupting I ask, “Are you two heading over to Liam’s now?”

Beth nods, “Soon. He wanted me to come over early but I had practice and wanted to make a dramatic entrance, that’s why I have Patrice with me.”

Tommy starts laughing. “We better get there first! I don’t want to miss that. Are you ready, Pam?”

I nod and take his hand. He squeezes mine making me smile.

Driving up to Liam’s, I’m once again astonished by how beautiful it is. Every time I turn onto the driveway and see the beautiful weathered Victorian house with its large wrap-around porch I feel like an intruder, an imposter. This isn’t my world and I’m always fearful that at any moment someone will call attention to that fact and ask me to leave.

Tommy drives around back near the water so we can park. Most of the lacrosse team is already there playing catch while others sit close to the fire trying to stay warm.  Liam, with his parent’s permission, took over part of back of the property as a practice field for the high school lacrosse team, the Andover Archers. They spend hours here after regular practice trying to perfect their skills.

Liam comes jogging up to us bouncing a ball on the edge of his lacrosse stick “T-Bone where’s your twig?”

“In the truck, I’ll get it in a minute. Just want to get Pam a coke and walk her to the fire.”

Liam looks at me “Hey Pam. What’s up?” Not waiting for an answer, he says “Did you guys see Beth? I asked her to come over early but she’s not here yet.” He runs his hand through his thick blonde hair and looks upset, “She’s been weird lately – distant – and I don’t know why.”

I hesitate before replying, “Yeah, we saw her when we were leaving ‘Here’s the Beef’; she said she’d see us here later.” Smiling reassuringly, I add “I’m sure everything’s fine.” To myself I think how can he be so stupid?

Liam runs off to join the others, yelling “Hurry up we’ll never make it to the championship if we don’t practice!”

Tommy walks me over to the fire and greets the rest of the kids. Turning to me, he kisses me gently “There’s not much light left so I won’t be long.”

I nod and head for the love seat where Lenore is sitting under a green and gold stadium blanket. She lifts the blanket and motions for me to get under it.

“Hurry up Pam it’s so freaking cold out there!” Lenore says through chattering teeth. “I can’t believe I let Freddie talk me into coming tonight. The things I do for that boy! He really has no idea how much suffering I do for him!” she adds dramatically.

Quickly I climb under the covers and laugh. Lenore hates to be cold and isn’t shy about telling everyone. “I swear Lenore you really should live in Hawaii!”

“I know! I’ve been telling my parents that for years! But do they listen to me? Noooo.” Mimicking her mom, Lenore starts “Nori, if you want to live in Hawai’i when you’re older, you’re welcome too. This is where your father and I choose to make our home. Until you’re ready to make yours, here is where you will live. Honestly, I’m tired of these discussions. Now stop talking nonsense and finish your homework.”

Everyone starts laughing, knowing that Lenore is just getting warmed up. She’s hysterical when she gets going on her mom – who everyone calls ‘Wonder Mom’. Lenore’s mom is President of the PTA, Chair of Arts Committee, you name it and Lenore’s mom is in charge of it. It makes Lenore a little crazy since her mom believes that her obligations fall to the entire family to fulfill.

Lenore gets her mom back by acting up and causing trouble whenever and wherever she can. She practically lives in the principal’s office. She jokes that after graduation she’s going to buy a bench and place it right outside his door with a plaque that reads ‘The Lenore LaSalle Bench for Chronic Rule-Breakers’.

You never know what she’ll get into and while I’m in awe of her fearlessness, I’m a little afraid of her too. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I had just a little of her fearlessness but not too much. I like her a lot but I do try to make sure that I’m never the only one with her. I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be able to tell her no should she get an idea in her head. I’m confident that it would end with me in loads of trouble.

The sun finally sets and Tommy and the rest of the guys make their way over to the fire. I get up and walk over to meet him and to let Freddie sit with Lenore. When I get to Tommy, he grabs me around my waist and spins me around once. Pulling me close he whispers into my hair, “Let’s go for a walk.”

I nod. Tommy puts me down and we start to walk toward the beach when we hear a car. I realize that Beth and Patrice are finally here. “We can’t miss this! It has epicness written all over it!” Tommy agrees and we hurry back to the fire.

Patrice pulls up in her red Jeep Wrangler. Stopping the jeep in the middle of the path, she gets out of the car she yells to Liam. "Damn it Liam, get over here! You should be ashamed of yourself for letting this 'rumor' crap go on so long. Why Beth puts up with you is a mystery to me since, no offense, there's nothing all that special about you, little cuz." 

Liam heads toward Patrice yelling "Shut up, Patsy! Why do you think you get to run everyone's life? My business is not yours." Patrice looks at Liam and turns pointing to her passenger seat. For the first time Liam sees Beth sitting in the front seat, crying softly. Rushing to her, he pulls open the door and kneels beside her.

He takes her hands in his. "Baby, I had no idea you were so upset about it. Why didn't you tell me?"

Beth sobs, "You should be upset too! But when you didn't say anything, I thought maybe you liked all the attention and I was being too sensitive." She turns her face away and continues "I hear them talking about you at school. Wondering why you're with me. That you could do so much better than me. That I'm nothing but a smelly jock!" When she looks back, she sees that he's crying too which makes her cry even more. "I'm so sorry that I'm making a scene. I'm a mess!"

Liam pulls her out of the car and hugs her close. "Don't be ridiculous, you're beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the world." Turning so he has his arm around her shoulder he leans over and whispers in her ear, "I'm going to put a stop to this now."

Addressing the group of about 50 kids, Liam says in his loudest captain’s voice, "Listen up guys! We're a team and that includes Beth. I'm done with all the bullshit rumors and the lies about us. I thought ignoring it would make it stop but it seems to be getting worse and Beth is upset so it’s time to shut them down - hard." He looks over the group and continues, "Unless you hear it directly from Beth or me, we're a couple and that's how I intend to keep it. If you hear anything at school, tell whoever says it to shut the hell up or they can deal with me!" He looks down at Beth, who is smiling though her tears. "That is if she's not ready to run away."

Beth puts her arm around his waist and squeezes him, "Never! Besides, I won’t give them the satisfaction of quitting and letting them win!" Laughing she asks, "Can you take me inside so I can wash my face?"

Liam picks her up, tosses her over his shoulder, and runs for the house.

Standing behind me, Tommy leans over “How about that walk now?”

Turning into him, I grab his hand and pull him toward the beach. Holding hands we walk to a quiet spot and sit down. Tommy leans over and kisses me intensely; I kiss him back with equal intensity. Tommy is running his hands all over me and I encourage him. It’s better when we’re like this then we can’t fight. After we make love, we sit on the quiet beach just talking about school and prom and other things. I love this part of us. When we can just be together like this so happy and carefree. If it could always be this way everything could be fine. I could be content.

Tommy says “Why wouldn’t Beth just come out and tell him it bothered her? So much drama could be avoided if girls just said what was on their minds.”

I shake my head. “Really, Tommy? I angrily reply “This is not Beth’s fault. I can’t believe that Liam didn’t squash it before now. He’s such a jerk!”

“You don’t know him well enough to decide if he’s a jerk, Pam! Tommy replies.

“Well maybe that’s because he ignores me whenever I’m around!” I yell. “Some stupid team captain you have there, T-Bone.” I say sarcastically.

Tommy yells back “Liam’s a great captain and an even better lacrosse player. You’d know that if you would pay attention at a game every once and a while.”

Enraged, I get up and start walking back to the fire.

“Where are you going?” Tommy yells after me.

“Leaving!” I reply.

Tommy laughs “Really, how are you going to do that since you’re walking away from your ride?”

“I don’t need you. Patrice is here, she’ll drive me home.”

“Whatever Pam” Tommy yells. “Tell me one thing: Why do you get so mad at me when I have an opinion that’s different from yours?”

Ignoring him I walk back to the fire and find Patrice. As always she’s surrounded by guys trying to get her attention. Seeing me upset, she jumps up and comes over.

“What’s wrong, Pammie?” she asks.

“Tommy and I had a fight and I want to go home; will you take me?”

“Ah, duh! Of course I’ll take you.” She answers.

Turning to her group of admirers she wiggles her fingers at them “Bye, boys. See if you can have some fun without me for a little bit.”

“Let’s go you.” She says.

In the jeep, Patrice wants all the details. Reluctantly, I tell her about the idiotic fight we had and how I over-reacted, again. I seem to do that quite a bit these days especially after we have sex. I don’t know why I feel the need to push him away after we’re so intimate. I’m seriously starting to think I need the help of a mental health professional. I try to imagine having that conversation with mom and dad.

Mom, Dad can I talk to you please? Tommy and I have been having sex for several months now and every time we, ah, finish, I feel the need to start a fight with him. Would you please schedule an appointment for me to have my head examined?

I laugh just thinking about it; Patrice asks what’s so funny. I tell her my thought and she bursts out laughing. “Oh my God, Pammie that’s hilarious; your mother would totally have a stroke.” I can hear her now, “We never had this problem with Ellie, Pam. I’m sure I speak for your father when I tell you how disappointed with you we are. We had no idea you were such a dirty whore. She must get that from your side of the family Paul. You have that cousin, Trudy. She’s been divorced twice.”

By the time Patrice pulls up to my house, I’m doubled-over laughing. Pulling myself together I say “Thanks Patrice, you’re the best friend money can buy.”

“Pam please, you are lucky I don’t charge as you could not afford all this fabulousness. Seriously girl, you need to figure out what your problem is before you make both of you crazy.”

I nod “I know. I wish I knew why I was damaged so I could fix it. Love ya, girlie. I’ll text you tomorrow.”

MAY

I lie in bed overwhelmed with everything I have to do today and wondering what happened to the last few months. I’m glad it’s finally warm enough for shorts and flip-flops. Things with Tommy are still the same. We still fight over dumb stuff and I can tell he’s getting more frustrated and distant after every argument.

Tonight will be fun. It’s the junior prom. Groaning I wonder why I let Patrice talk me into having my hair and makeup professionally done for it. More proof that I must, in fact, be crazy.

My phone chimes. I groan when I realize it’s a text from Patrice, wanting to know when she can pick me up. I’m really not in the mood for her; or anyone really. I roll over and pull the pillow over my head, shutting out everything but last night and my latest fight with Tommy. 

The night started so well. We were finally going to get some time alone at his house since his parents are away. Boy what a mistake! We had our biggest fight ever. I shake my head to clear the memory; I don’t have time to get into it this morning. Texting Patrice back I tell her that I’ll be ready in a half hour. Getting out of bed, I head for the shower.

Dressed in my favorite sweats and zip-up hoodie I head to the kitchen for breakfast, praying that it will be empty. Of course the only luck I have is bad luck and Ellie and Louis are in there having coffee.

“Figures. Mr. and Mrs. Perfect” I mutter under my breath.

“Morning sleepyhead” Ellie chirps “Didn’t think you were ever going to get up; it’s after 10. What are you doing this morning?”

I make a face and say "Patrice is picking me up so we can have our hair and makeup done for prom tonight."

With that Patrice walks in the kitchen door. Her hair and make-up are impeccable and she’s dressed in skin-tight black yoga pants and a teeny white tank, showing off her amazing figure and long legs.

“Someone call for the Princess?” She asks haughtily. “Jeez Pammie, you said you would be ready! Hurry up and go change!”

Annoyed, I reply “I am changed. This is what I’m wearing. Too bad for you if you don’t like it!”

Patrice feigns horror “I have a highly-refined sense of style and a reputation as a trend-setter to uphold. I cannot be seen with you while you're dressed like THAT! It’s hideous!"

Angrily I say, “You don't have to tart yourself up for everything, Patrice! Besides, aren’t we paying someone to do our hair and makeup?”

“I'm not ‘tarted’ up.” Patrice says. “What’s wrong with you today anyway? You’re awfully cranky.”

“I’m not cranky and I don’t want to talk about it.” I say.

Ellie chimes in “Pam, calm down, Patrice is only kidding. Why are you so sensitive lately?”

“SHUT UP, ELLIE!” I yell as mom walks into the kitchen.

“PAMELA! Apologize to Ellie this instant. You have been raised to know that you don’t speak to anyone that way, especially your sister.”

“She started it! She should learn how to mind her business!”

“I’m sure Ellie was only trying to help.” Mom responds. “Besides, I’m quite sure she didn’t do anything to warrant your reaction. Apologize. Now.”

“Fine! I’m soooo sorry Eleanor for yelling at you while you were only trying to help me by butting into my business!” I say sarcastically. “Let’s go Patrice; we’re going to be late.”

Storming out of the kitchen, I’m already sitting in the jeep when Patrice comes outside.

“Sheesh, Pam. What the hell is wrong with you today? Never mind today, you haven’t been yourself in weeks.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Patrice I’m the same person I’ve always been.”

Even as I say it, I know I’m lying. I’m not the same person. I don't know who I am and I don't know who I’m supposed to be. The worse part of it all is that I’m taking so much of my frustration out on Tommy that I’m surprised he hasn't given up on me and just walked away. Last night he almost did.

Patrice looks over at her, cocks her eyebrow and says “Don’t you lie to me Pamela Bradford! Something’s wrong with you and you need to share it with someone… Oh my God, are you pregnant? I know you and Tommy are sleeping together but I thought you were at least being smart!

Horrified I yell “NO! Don’t be ridiculous! Don’t you ever say that out loud again.”

Patrice is slightly mollified “Good. Keep it that way. I’m way too young to be a godmother!”

Patrice pulls out of the driveway and heads for the salon.

“What time is Tommy picking you up tonight?”

“He’s coming at five o’clock for pictures and stuff. What about Shane? It is still Shane, right? Is he picking you up?”

Shane is Patrice’s latest boyfriend. She keeps them for a few weeks, a month at most, before she gets bored and moves on.

“As if!” Patrice snorts. “I told him I’d meet him outside The Grotto. I don’t want him in my house and I certainly don’t want him to talk to my mother. Jeez, I’m not marrying him, it’s just prom!

Laughing hysterically I say “Can you imagine him meeting Sharon? He thinks you’re a handful. He’d probably die if he met your mom!”

I love Patrice’s mom, Sharon. She is the most amazing person I have ever met. She runs her own successful boutique and has a line of clothes and accessories that she designs. She is smart and funny and beautiful. Everything I wish I was. I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of jealous of the relationship that Patrice has with her mom. They’re more like sisters. Sharon trusts Patrice and gives her a great deal of freedom. Things I crave.

Patrice pulls into the salon parking lot and they head for the front door, groaning I say “I still can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”

Patrice laughs “You’ll have a blast. It will be fun to just be girly together. Just like when we were kids at our sleepovers. I miss those weekends. We totally need to make sure we plan at least one this summer!”

“Deal”

I’m sitting in a pedicure chair, relaxing. My hair is already finished and I have to admit it really does look great. That’s quite a feat since my hair is difficult on the best days. The stylist was able to tame it into a pretty up-do designed to be messy. Patrice didn’t need her hair styled since it is still short but she decided to dye the ends a light pink as an accent to the dress she will be wearing tonight.

Patrice questions “So, prom king and queen are…?”

“Liam and Beth” we both yell, laughing.

“I’m so glad all that nonsense from a few months ago is over. Beth was so miserable. You did the right thing in confronting Liam. Honestly, I didn’t expect he would really stick to shutting it down because I was sure he loved all the attention.”

Patrice smiles “Yeah, he surprised me too. Glad he’s finally maturing. I’ll bet the Archers winning has a lot to do with it too. No one wants to be the jinx that ends a ten game winning streak. Can you imagine being the person to distract Liam or any of the team right now?”

I sigh to myself. I can do a lot more than imagine. My constant fights with Tommy aren’t helping him with his concentration.

Patrice continues “Best dressed?”

I think for a second before replying “Well for the girls it’s really between Lenore and you. I’ve already seen your dress and it’s amazing so Lenore really needs to bring it to beat you.”

 “And the boys?” Patrice prompts.

“It should be Chandler since he’s so fashion-forward but most people don’t get his sense of style. So it probably means that Shane or Freddie will win as long as they don’t look homeless.”

“Best Dancer?” I ask before Patrice can pose another question.

“That’s easy, for girls it’s totally got to be Emma” I nod in agreement.

Patrice continues, “Boys, I’m going to say Ryan M.”

“Really?” I agree on Emma but I think it will be Ray not Ryan M.”

“All done” the manicurist interrupts. “It’s time for make-up. If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to Roxanne.”

I look at Patrice and roll my eyes. “This better not suck.” I lean over and whisper as I walk away.

“Pammie, how many times have I been wrong before?” Patrice asks rhetorically. “That’s right, zero! And I’m not wrong now. So go. I’ll be over in a minute.”

I’m finally done getting made up. I sit at the mirror, staring at my reflection. I barely recognize myself I look so beautiful and mature, two things that I rarely feel. I know I’m not ugly. It’s just I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful either.  I wonder how Tommy will react when he sees me all dressed up tonight. I know that he loves me. He tells me all the time and I believe him. He’s kind and gentle and polite, everything really I could want but I can’t help feeling that part of Tommy really loves the idea of being a couple and that he could be just as happy with someone other than me. I’m pretty sure it’s part of the reason I push him away emotionally so often; the reason why we fight so much.

Patrice spins me around and screams “Oh.My.God! Pammie you’re gorgeous! Why have you been hiding all this potential under ponytails and hoodies? You should be shot! Wait until Tommy sees this. Hell, wait until ALL the boys see this!” She continues, “You cannot wear that awful dress you were planning on wearing now!”

“Hey, I love my dress. It’s perfect.”

Patrice snorts “It was perfect for the old Pam. New gorgeous Pam needs a new gorgeous dress.”

She pulls out her phone, “I’m calling Sharon and we’re getting you a new dress!”

I start to interrupt but Patrice shushes me saying “Not a word you! Not one single sound or I will disown you! ”

“Sharon!” Patrice gasps into the phone. “Are you at the boutique? Excellent! Pam and I are on the way over; she needs a new dress for prom. No nothing happened to her dress but something did happen to her! You’ll see for yourself in a few minutes. Bye, loves!”

“Let’s go you” Patrice says as she grabs my hand “You know how Sharon hates to be kept waiting!” With that Patrice drags me out the door.

“Stop it, Patrice! You know I hate being bossed around. Besides I love the dress I already have and I don’t want to change it!”

“Sorry! Well not really but I don’t want you mad at me anymore. Let’s just go see what Sharon has in your size. PLEASE. If you don’t like anything, I’ll back off. Deal?”

Smiling, I agree “Deal!”

Patrice pulls up in front of ‘Threads’, beeping to get her mother’s attention. Sharon opens the door, smiling “Quiet down, Patrice. The whole street doesn’t need to know you’re here.”

I get out of the jeep and Sharon looks at me “Oh honey, look how gorgeous you are! That is the perfect hair style for you. Did you have them show you how to do it?”

“No. I didn’t think of that” I never think of anything like that.

“We’ll make sure we get some really good pictures of it so we can duplicate it. Ok?” Sharon says gently.

I nod, wishing for the millionth time that she was my mom. She thinks of everything. My mom probably won’t even notice how perfect it is for me.

“Come on inside, I’m sure we have the perfect dress for you.”

The inside of ‘Threads’ is modern and sleek, unobtrusive with nothing to detract from the clothes and accessories. Comfortable seating is placed strategically throughout the store. Sharon believes that shopping should be pleasant and happy and she strives to make sure that every customer has a great experience. She has already pulled several dresses for me and has them waiting in the dressing room.

“Let’s go, honey. Which one do you want to try first?”

Patrice is looking through the rack and chooses for me. “This one first.” As she hands me a purple corset dress with intricate beading on the bodice.

I look at her as if she’s lost her mind. “Try it on before you make up your mind.” Sharon says. “Clothes look so much different on a hanger than on a body that you really shouldn’t decide until you see it on.”

“OK, but only because you went through so much trouble. This is so not me!”

Patrice chimes in “That’s kind of the point, Pam! It’s what makes it ‘new’, duh. Now go try it on before I come in there and dress you myself.”

Laughing, I head into the changing room to try it on.

“Sharon” I call out “Can you come in here and help me, please? I can’t seem to get the zipper.”

“Of course” she replies

Patrice is increasingly impatient. “Pam, Sharon, hurry up! I’m dying out here.” She says dramatically.

“Patrice, please run up the front and get a pair of nude pumps, size 7.” Sharon asks.

“On it.” As she heads to the shoe section.

Patrice hands the pumps over the door to Sharon. I struggle to get into them as Sharon opens the door. I step out into the larger dressing area and look in the full-length mirror. I don’t recognize myself. The dress is amazing but it’s not really all that comfortable and if I had to wear it for longer than 15 minutes it would make me crazy. Patrice is freaking out.

“Pam, you have to wear that! Tommy will totally die. You could even win ‘Best Dressed’!”

“Not a chance, P. It weighs a ton and I can’t breathe. I’m also pretty sure I won’t be able to sit down all the way. Although I do have to admit, I look amazing!”

“Yeah you do!” She replies.

“What’s next?” I turn and ask Sharon.

I try on dresses and shoes for the next forty-five minutes. I would never admit it to Patrice but I’m having a really good time. When we finally finish I know that I have tried on enough dresses to know that I’m perfectly happy with the dress I already have.

Turning to Sharon I say, “I’m sorry for wasting so much of your time but I’m going to keep the dress I already have. All the ones I tried on here are beautiful but I don’t feel like myself in any of them.”

Sharon smiles at me “Pam don’t be silly, you haven’t wasted any of my time. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you that I’m happy you came by today. I’m sure the dress you have will be perfect since you’re perfect.”

Patrice is pouting a little since her plan has backfired. “Gee, thanks Shar, I thought you would be on my side in this.”

Sharon hugs her “There are no ‘sides’ Sweetie. You two better get going it’s getting late.”

Finally I’m home. I manage to avoid Mom and Dad who are working in the back garden. I’m glad since I’m really looking forward to being alone before I get ready to go. I climb into the window seat, careful not to mess up my hair. I can see my neighbor, Mrs. Egan, working in her garden. She looks so peaceful to be there. Her three young daughters are running around the yard, yelling and playing. Is that going to be my life, I wonder; gardening and screaming kids? God, I hope not. Checking the time, I get up from the window and start getting dressed

I take one final look in the mirror. I still can’t believe that the girl looking back is me. My hair still looks amazing and my make-up has been carefully touched up. I’m wearing my original dress, an aqua halter that ends just below my knees. I’ve paired it with high heeled silver sandals.

I hear the bell and know that Tommy is here. Laughing, I twirl once and go downstairs to meet him. I struggle a little on the stairs because of my sandals. I pause on the landing and peek out the window looking for the water but the trees have blocked it. I look down and see Tommy staring up at me. I smile at him; he looks so handsome.

Tommy walks over and meets me at the bottom of the stairs. Taking my hand he whispers, “You are so beautiful Pam. I’m so lucky that you're my girlfriend.”

I look up into his face and can see how much he loves me. “Ditto” I say as I lean up to kiss him softly.

“Cough, cough” my mother says interrupting our moment. “Let’s get some pictures of you two before you get all mussed up.” She walks over and gives me an air kiss “I don’t want to ruin your makeup sweetie, you look lovely. So poised and grown up. So much like Ellie.”

I sigh softly as Tommy squeezes my hand. “Let’s get this over with” I say and head for the front door. Tommy laughs as I pull him along with me almost tripping on the rug in the foyer.

“I’ll be lucky to make it to The Grotto without breaking my ankle” I joke.

Outside on the lawn, we are made to stand in front of the large lilac. After what seems like a thousand pictures mom and dad finally decide that they have enough. Dad walks us over to the truck. “Tommy, I know you are a responsible young man but there are others that will be out tonight that are not, so you will need to be extra careful.”

“Yes sir, Mr. Br  – Paul – I will, sir. I’ll also make sure we have fun but just not too much.” He says stealing her father’s favorite line.

“Excellent!” Dad turns to me, saying “Wow, Princess you are so beautiful and grown-up.” He kisses my cheek.

Smiling, I kiss his cheek back “Thanks Daddy. I love you.”

Tommy helps me into the truck and we drive off, waving.

I sneak a look at Tommy. He looks so handsome in his black suit with aqua vest. He enlisted Ellie’s help in finding out what color my dress was so he could get a matching vest; I’m really glad now that I didn’t change it. I reach over to hold his hand. “I’m sorry about last night. I know I’m difficult at times I just don’t always know why.”

Tommy squeezes my hand “Yeah you are but you’re totally worth it. I just wish I knew what I could do differently to make you as happy as you deserve to be.”

I sit there really wanting to tell him that I wish I knew myself. I don’t want to be this way. I hate the doubt I have about myself and our relationship. I hate always wondering if he’ll really miss me if we break up. I hate that I’m ruining such a great relationship and I'm mad at myself that I can’t seem stop it.

We arrive at The Grotto and it is chaos. Cars, kids and teachers are everywhere. Tommy manages to find a parking spot not that far from the door and we walk over and get in line. All the girls are looking around to see who’s wearing what and all the guys are doing their best not to get caught doing the same. Lenore and Freddie walk up and get in line behind us.

“Aren’t the two of you so adorable all matchy-matchy” Lenore says with a smile.

Tommy laughs “Nothing wrong with being coordinated, Lenore.”

Turning to Freddie, they bump fists and start talking lacrosse.

“You look amazing, Lenore!” She’s not much taller than me, only about five foot five inches but she has a great figure and the dress she is wearing shows it off perfectly. She’s wearing a short dress with a black bodice covered in iridescent beads. The skirt is made up of layers of tulle. The tulle starts at her hips in a light grey and gets progressively darker ending in black just above her knees. On her feet she is wearing light gray stilettos. Her black hair is pulled off her face into a high sleek pony-tail. Her makeup is flawless and she isn’t wearing any jewelry.

They finally make it inside and grab a table. Just as they sit down, Beth and Liam join them. Lenore and Freddie have already claimed their seats. I’m just happy to be sitting down since my feet are killing me and I’m more convinced that I will end this night on crutches.

“Let’s make sure we save seats for Patrice and Shane.” Patrice will never forgive me if we don’t sit together tonight.

After dinner, everyone is dancing and having a great time. I go to sit down since my feet are still killing me. Tommy follows me. He sits next to me and leans over to take my sandals off.

“If you take them off, I may never be able to get them back on.” I tell him.

“That’s ok I’ll carry you the rest of the night if I have to.” He leans in to kiss my forehead.

“Awwww, that’s so cute if you go in for that whole public display of affection thing” Patrice says sitting down. “And, Pammie girl, you still look gorgeous.”

“Thanks Patrice but compared to you, I look like a ten-year-old boy.”

Interrupting, Tommy says “No, Pam you don’t. She’s right, you are gorgeous”

I lean over and kiss him. Patrice rolls her eyes and says “Gah, would you get a room already. No one wants to see all that!” Tommy and I look at each other and just laugh.

The DJ announces that it’s time for the awards. He strobes the lights and asks for everyone’s attention. He announces “If your name is called as a winner, please come to the center of the dance floor where the Junior Class President, Veronica Collins, will present you with your award. You will be allowed to say a few words. I have been asked to tell you that you should keep it brief and you should keep it G-rated. Thank you!”

The only real contest tonight is for Best Dressed Girl. Everyone knows it’s between Lenore and Patrice. They both look amazing. Patrice’s is wearing a light pink strapless dress that is form fitting to the waist where it cinches with a black satin ribbon. The bottom of the dress is a cascade of ruffles that stops mid-calf. On her feet she is wearing flat black sandals that lace up over her calves. Her short platinum hair with the pink tips is neat and elegant. It can go either way. The DJ calls them both up so they can show off in front of the whole crowd. Neither girl is known for being shy so it turns into a walk-off. They exaggerate their walks and make faces at each other. Each girl has their supporters who whistle and clap when they walk.

The DJ lets it play out for a few minutes before announcing the winner – Lenore by two votes!

Patrice graciously accepts defeat and bows before Lenore vowing to take her crown next year, at the senior prom, where it really matters.

“Bring it on!” Lenore laughs.

The DJ clears the floor as he gets ready to announce the King and Queen. Surprising absolutely no one, Liam and Beth win. They come to the center of the dance floor and accept their crowns and cheesy capes. They bow to their subjects and quickly leave the dance floor.

A slow song starts and Tommy gently pulls me from my chair. “Let’s dance Baby Doll.” He whispers.

He pulls me close. “Have I told you that I love you?”

“Not in the last 10 minutes” I reply, pulling him closer.

“We should get out of here and go somewhere we can be alone.”

“Where would you like to go?” I ask.

“Let’s go to that beach you're so fond of. Maybe I’ll discover its charms tonight.”

“Yes, please. Should we sneak out or say good-bye to everyone?”

“We are sneaking out! I do not want this to turn into a beach party.”

At the beach, Tommy pulls a blanket out from behind the truck seat while I wait. He walks over to my side of the truck and turns his back to me. “Get on Pammie”

Laughing, I hike up my skirt and climb on his back. He boosts me up and starts jogging to the beach. He lets me down gently and turns and kisses me with great passion. I kiss him back with equal intensity. Breaking off the kiss, he spreads the blanket out so I don’t ruin my dress. I love that he’s so thoughtful. He wraps his arms around me, lowering me gently to the ground. I’m happy for the intimacy. It removes all my doubts about our relationship.

Tommy reaches over and pushes my hair off my face. My beautiful up-do did not survive our passion. “I love your hair it’s so soft and pretty. Like you.”

“Ha, I hate my hair. It never looks the way I want it to. Maybe I should dye it blonde and have it straightened.”

“Do I make you happy, Pam?” Tommy asks softly. “I’m not always sure that I do. Sometimes I think you’re happy and then we have a fight and I don’t know the real reason why we’re fighting.”

Wow, I was not expecting that! I’m not really sure how to answer him because I don’t really know myself. Honesty, as dad always says, is the best policy. “Yes. You do make me happy. I love talking to you and I love our intimacy. You’re not the reason I get unhappy. I am.”

“What makes you unhappy? If I knew maybe I could help.” I can hear the sadness in his voice.

“It’s not one thing Tommy. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a feeling that I’m missing something. That there’s something more.” I feel him stiffen and realize I’ve gone too far.

“So it is me?” I can hear the sadness in his voice. “I can’t do this Pam. If I can’t make you happy or if you won’t let yourself be happy, I can’t. I just can’t.”

I sit there in silence. I know I should say something but I don’t know what to say that won’t be a partial lie. He deserves someone he can make happy, someone that can make him happy. I’m pretty sure it’s not me. Not after this.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” I shake my head. If I try to talk I’ll start to cry and I don’t want to do that until I’m alone in my room.

“That’s it then?” He says as he stands up. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”

I look up expecting him to reach out his hand to help me up but he’s standing there with both hands in his pockets, looking down the beach. I stand up. Tommy picks up the blanket and starts walking back to the parking area without waiting. He stops at the edge and waits for me to catch up. “I’ll carry you to the truck.”

“No. I can walk.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Pam you’ll cut your feet.” Like that matters I think to myself.

“If you’re worried about my feet why don’t you just drive over and pick me up.”

“Fine, I’ll be right back.”

The drive back to my house was tense and uncomfortable. As Tommy pulls up to the house, I have managed to force my feet back into my sandals for the walk to the front door. “Bye. I’ll, ah… nevermind.”

Tommy never turns to look at me as I get out of the truck. He waits until I get inside before he drives off.

Running up the stairs to my room, I barely make it before I start to sob uncontrollably. I sit in my chair and look out the window wondering what I was going to do to make this up to him. God, I’m so stupid! Grabbing my phone I text “I’m sorry. I love you. We can get through this.”
It’s now Monday morning and I have to come out of my room; I spent yesterday avoiding everyone including Patrice. I did text her once saying that I’m pretty sure Tommy and I broke up since he never replied to my text from Saturday night.

School isn’t too bad. Tommy and I don’t have any classes together but lunch has awkward potential. I’m getting ready to go into the cafeteria when Patrice swoops in and stops me. “Let’s go Pammie we’re having lunch out in the courtyard.”

 “I have to go get my food, Patrice.”

Wagging a bag in my face, she says “Ah, nope. Got everything we need right here.”

 “You are the best friend in the world and I owe you forever.” I’m so relieved to be spared the whispers and stares that I’m sure are waiting for me in the cafeteria. I saw Tommy once this morning. He was in front of me in the main corridor.

I turn to Patrice “I’m so glad there’s only a week of school left; hopefully we can manage to avoid each other until it’s over.

Changing the subject Patrice says, “Get this; Sharon wants me to work at ‘Threads’ this summer.” Rolling her eyes she continues, “She says it will be a good experience for me. Are you going to work at ‘Ice Cream Sundae’ again?”

‘Ice Cream Sundae’ is the best ice cream in town and I’ve worked at their beach shack location for the past two years. “I start the day after school gets out. I’m a shift manager this year so I get to boss all the newbie scoopers around. It will be fun.” She looks at me as if I’m crazy. Spending her days scooping ice cream for screaming kids is the exact opposite of fun for Patrice.

JULY

Summer is in full-swing and everyone in town is getting ready for the big Fourth of July celebration. Every year there’s a parade in the morning and fireworks at night. Mom and Dad host a huge party for all our family and friends. It’s usually one of the highlights of my summer but this year I’m really not interested in much of anything. It’s been about a month since the prom and I haven’t seen or heard from Tommy.

I’m surprised how much I miss him. How many times I go to pick up the phone to call or text realizing that even if I do, he won’t answer. For the millionth time I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

The house and yard are packed. Dad’s grilling away and having a blast. He really gets into this whole thing and the house and yard are decorated in every conceivable red, white, and blue theme you can imagine. There’s bunting on the porch, lanterns strung around the back yard, and the flag is flying. I wish I could just relax and enjoy the fun but I have to go inside and get ready for work. This is the busiest night of the summer and as shift manager I have to put in a couple of hours today. I’ll be out in time to see the fireworks and Patrice is meeting me so we can watch them together.

I get through my shift and I’m not a total mess. I run out the back where Patrice is waiting. “Do you want to run home and change?” she asks.

“Nah, I’m good. Besides who wouldn’t love a girl covered in ice cream?” 

“Let’s get out of here and see if we can find a good spot. I’ll bet if we head down the beach we’ll find a party we can crash.” Patrice says as we start walking.

It doesn’t take long before we find Lenore and Beth which means that Liam and Freddie can’t be far which means that Tommy is probably here as well. My heart jumps into my throat and I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe. Patrice looks at me. “Are you ok, Pammie. You look like you’re going to throw up?”

“I’m fine.” I manage to say “Can we keep going, please?”

“Hi Pam.” Tommy says as he walks up behind me. Crap! Crap! Crap! Why does it have to be tonight? When I look horrible and I smell like sticky ice cream? Figures. Turning to face him I say “Hi Tommy.” Wow, he looks really good. His hair is longer and it’s still damp from the water. I want to throw my arms around him and never let him go. I’m about to ask him how his summer is going when Danielle walks up to us and says, “Hi Pam” as she puts her hand in his.

Tommy takes her hand and squeezes it while I stand there trying to remember how to breathe.


2 comments:

  1. AWESOME! Really enjoyed reading this!

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    1. Thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to read it!

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