I can
hear the alarm buzzing but I can’t seem to make my hand follow the basic
command I’m giving to hit the snooze button. Senior year can wait 9 more
minutes for me to get going. I’m generally ambivalent about the first day of
school but this year I can hate it. I hate the whole idea of having to drag
myself through one hundred and seventy days of suck in order to get my diploma
and get out. And there’s my nine minutes.
Showering,
I mentally run through my wardrobe and come up with nothing. Why didn’t I
listen to Patrice when she told me I needed a new outfit for the first day of
school? All my shorts are gross from work and it’s too warm still for jeans. I
think I have the cute dress I wore when Ellie graduated. I think it’s in the
back of my closet; hopefully it will still fit.
Pulling
clothes from my closet, I finally find the dress way down the back. It’s cute.
It’s a two-toned tank dress with a white bodice and a navy blue skirt that
flares slightly from the waist. Luckily, it fits great. I pull my hair into a
messy bun and throw on some mascara and lip gloss. As an afterthought I add my
favorite silver hoop earrings. I throw up a pair of flip-flops; glancing in the
mirror I think maybe this day won’t be so bad after all.
Heading downstairs, I make it to
the door just as Patrice pulls up. “Snap, snap girlie, I need an iced coffee
and I don’t want to be late on the first day.”
“Relax, Patrice; I’m already here.”
I climb into her jeep. Looking at her, I shake my head. “Damn Patrice do you even
know the meaning of casual?” She is wearing capri length white jeans and a blue
and white striped shirt with a boat neck. On her feet she has on black ballet
flats. Her hair is growing out and today she is wearing it artfully messy. “You
look amazing as always.” I tell her.
“You look pretty good yourself.”
She says as we drive off. “Are you going to be all right? I know you haven’t
seen Tommy since Fourth of July and I know Danielle and he are still together.”
Sighing “I have to be since I’m
pretty sure school won’t take my breaking up with Tommy as an excused absence. Seriously,
I don’t think Mrs. Williamson has ever had a date in her life; I’ll bet she was
born old and married and wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be a young!”
“Do you want a coffee?”
“Iced Mocha Latte, please.”
Pulling up to school, my stomach
heaves and I’m doing that not breathing thing again. “I can’t do this Patrice.”
“Of course you can, Pam. He’s just
a boy. Don’t let him define how you are and how your senior year will be. As for
her, well she’s just a girl and too bad for her she’s not a girl like us.”
I lean over and hug her. “What
would I do without you?”
“You’d be lame! Meet me for lunch; we
can compare schedules.”
Walking into homeroom is the
hardest thing I think I’ve ever done. Ever since middle school, homeroom
assignments have been determined based on your last name. I am a Bradford and
ever since sixth grade I have shared my homeroom with Danielle Brody. Of course
she’s already there. Seeing me she gets a little louder as she tells Lucy about
how much fun she had all summer with Tommy. Everyone in the room looks at me. I
resist the urge to punch her. “Glad you’re having fun with my sloppy seconds,
Danielle. Tomorrow I’ll remember to bring in my mocha latte and you can suck out
what’s left.” Turning on my heel I walk over and down as the teacher comes in.
“Brilliant” Patrice says as I tell
her what I said to Danielle in homeroom. We find a small table and sit down.
Before long the cafeteria is packed. People are stopping by and saying hi so we
barely get to talk. Luckily, we have a study period together. Both classes will
give us plenty of time to talk.
Looking around the cafeteria I see
that they’re not here. Good. At least I’m spared that agony since I’m sure
Danielle will make me pay for what I said in homeroom earlier.
I get up to go. “I’ll see you in
Study.” Patrice just nods.
Walking to my locker, I feel things
hitting my shoulders and back. I turn around and see Ryan. “Hey Pam. Where you
headed?
“My locker. Are you throwing stuff
at me?
“Absolutely not!” he replies taking
on a wounded tone. “However, I did see what may have been an elf or perhaps a
gnome here a second ago. Maybe it was throwing something.” He smiles showing
one perfect dimple, his green eyes flashing with laughter.
“We should probably let Mrs.
Williamson know that mythical creatures are roaming the halls assaulting
students.”
“Excellent idea. Why don’t we go do
that now.” He says as he hooks his arm through mine and starts walking down the
hall toward the office.
I turn toward him, disengaging my
arm “How about we tell her later? I wouldn’t want to be late for class”
Flashing his dimple again he says
“Well, I’m going to be busy after class.”
“Busy doing what?” I can’t believe
how shamelessly I’m flirting with him.
“Walking you to class.” He flashes
that dimple again just slightly. Sheesh he has that thing trained perfectly.
I’m mesmerized by it and him. He’s gorgeous. Tall, over six feet, with broad
shoulders. He has blonde hair that looks like he combed it with a blender and
the most gorgeous green eyes. I think I’ve already mentioned the dimple.
“Really?”
“Yup and since we have biology
together I should probably walk you there as well. We should get going so we’re
not late.”
“How do you know we have Bio
together?
“I have my ways…” winding his arm
thru mine again he turns me around and we head to class.
Driving home after school with
Patrice, I can’t stop talking about how amazing Ryan is and reliving the moment
when we walked into Biology. We’re both laughing when I see Tommy sitting with
Liam. Tommy looks up and when he sees me arm-in-arm with Ryan and his mouth
tightens and he turns away.
“The best part, Patrice, every time
I caught Tommy looking over at us – which was a lot – he looked mad, like
really mad; it was awesome!”
“Wonder what Danielle will do once
she finds out you have a class together?”
“That will be epic! I wish I could
see that.”
Patrice looks over and smiles.
“Pammie girl I am so glad to see you smiling again. Next time I see Ryan, I
might be tempted to give him a big nasty kiss.”
“He took my phone and added his
number and told me to text him later. Should I?”
“Ah, duh. Now get out. I’ll call
you later.”
Walking around the back of the
house, I go to open the kitchen door when my phone starts playing a song and
it’s loud!
“So get out, get out, get out of my
head / And fall into my arms instead / I don't, I don't, don't know what it is
/ But I need that one thing / And you've
got that one thing”
It’s so loud that it startles me
and I almost drop it. Looking down, I see it’s Ryan. I answer it immediately.
“Really Ryan? One Direction? What are
we in middle school?” I say laughing.
“Did it make you smile?”
“Yes but it almost made me drop my
phone since it was so LOUD!”
“What time do you want me to pick
you up later?” He asks.
“Hmmm, I didn’t know we had a later
planned?” Wow, when did I become such a flirt?
“We, well I, have a lot of laters
planned. Can I pick you up at 7?
“Not tonight. How about Friday? I
don’t like to go out on school nights besides my mom’s a freak about having
family dinners together whenever possible.”
“You’re killing me here, Pam! Text
me later; practice starts in a few and I won’t have my phone on me.”
“OK. Talk to you later.” I walk
into the kitchen smiling.
Harry, who is sitting at the
kitchen table asks “Who’s Ryan?” and makes an annoying smooching noise. I swat
at him.
“That’s your business how,
Pestepher?”
“Oh, it’s my business since I had
to listen to, ‘Oh, Ryan mwah mwah mwah… I wuv u…’” shuddering he continues “So,
gross. I think I have to go bleach my brain. Later, Spamella.”
Harry leaves the kitchen and I smile;
I really love my younger brother. He’s pretty awesome and totally hilarious.
I’ll be lucky if I ever hear the end of this.
I hear mom before I see her since
she is always glued to her phone. “Let me call you back, Kathy, Pam’s just
getting in from school.”
“Hi honey, how was the first day?
Everything OK with, well you know”
Smiling, I nod “Everything was ok,
homeroom was a little tense because of Danielle, but I managed to get through
it. I have Biology with Tommy and Liam but I was rescued by a soccer star.” I
went on to relate how Ryan found me in the hallway and walked me to Biology and
sat with me making.
“Hmmm, be careful. Teenage boys
aren’t known for their thoughtfulness, especially around pretty girls. I’m glad
you’re first day went well; dinner’s at six.” She says as she walks out to her
car. I could hear her talking to Kathy again as she drives away.
Quiet finally. I grab a drink and a
snack and sit at the table. I pull out my school agenda and start organizing my
homework. I spend a lot of time organizing which is strange since I spend so
little time actually doing it. I set out to do my homework I just always seem
to get distracted. It drives my parents a little nuts since I would be a
straight A student, like Ellie as I’m constantly reminded, if I took my
homework a little more serious. This year will be different. Ha! I say that
every year; I love that I constantly lie to myself. Even better, I love that I
still believe myself.
The rest of the school week passed
uneventfully. Danielle was still giving me dirty looks and talking about her
relationship with Tommy every time I was within shouting distance. Ryan
continued to walk me to Biology and flirt outrageously with me. Tommy continued
to look a little irritated about it. I was excited because Ryan and I were
finally going to go on our first date. I was so nervous that I went shopping
with Patrice to buy something new.
Making sure I had plenty of time to
get ready, I had already dried and straightened my hair and I was applying my
makeup when Patrice texted me.
“Have fun but be careful, Ryan has
a rep as a dog.”
“It will be fine Patrice it’s only
the first date. I’m not marrying him. I don’t even know if I’m going to kiss him.
OK, that’s a lie I’m definitely going to kiss him if I get the chance.” I text
back.
“Just be careful, that’s all. It’s
your first date in a long time and not all guys are like Tommy.”
“Seriously, Patrice, I’ll be fine.
I give you all the gory details later. Promise.”
“K, have fun.”
I finish my makeup and get dressed.
I bought a cute red skirt with white polka dots that’s a little tighter and
shorter than I usually wear. I’ve paired it with a flowy white shirt. I’m not
sure if I should wear white Keds or a pair of black ballet flats. Comfort or
style? I hear the bell and realize that Ryan is here to pick me up. I opt for
comfort and quickly pull my Keds on.
I run downstairs thankful that no
one else is home so I won’t have to deal with the awkward family stuff. I open
the door and Ryan is leaning casually leaning on the railing, waiting.
“Hi.” I manage to say as I look at
him
“Wow, you look great!” He says as
he pushes off the railing and takes my hand. “Ready?”
“Let me grab a sweater and my bag
and I’m all yours.”
Ryan opens the door to what appears
to be a brand new Mustang convertible. Great. Two hours on my hair for nothing
I think as I slide into the passenger seat. “Beautiful car.”
“Thanks. It was my birthday present
from my Dad. I love parental guilt. Dad’s been trying to buy my love and
forgiveness ever since he left my mom. Hope you’re hungry, I didn’t have time
to eat after practice and I’m starving.”
“Yes, I’m hungry. Where do you want
to go?”
“Let’s get Italian.”
At dinner, Ryan amuses himself with
trying to toss cherry tomatoes in my mouth. Either my mouth is too small or his
aim is awful. “Good thing you play a sport that uses your feet.” I joke.
“No kidding. Dad always wanted me
to be a pitcher but it wasn’t my position. I don’t even like baseball; it’s
boring. What about you, what’s your sport?”
“Not falling down.” I laugh.
“Seriously, I have no athletic ability. None. I tried a few things, soccer,
softball, even dance but I couldn’t find anything I was good at so I stopped
looking.”
“I’ve never seen you fall down.”
Ryan teases and flashes his dimple. “At least I’m pretty sure that’s something
I would have remembered.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve
fallen down in public. I have spent many years perfecting my coordination and
I’m happy to say, I have the coordination of a third or fourth grader.” I tease
back.
“Good to know. I’ll be sure to keep
you from any uneven pavement or rocky terrain for the rest of the evening.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I wore my
Converse so bring on the uneven pavement. Not sure but I think the rocky
terrain may prove challenging.”
“Thankfully, I don’t have any
hiking planned for the evening. Ready to go?”
“Let me just run to the ladies room
and then I’m all set.”
“How can you use the ladies room,
you’re all alone?”
“Hah. Don’t be a brat.”
I grab my bag and head for the
ladies room. I can’t wait to text Patrice and tell her how great tonight is
going. She doesn’t reply immediately which means she is preoccupied. I finish
up and head out to meet Ryan.
“How about going for a ride?” Ryan
says as he takes my arm.
“That would be awesome.” I loop my
arm in his and we head for the car.
Driving in Ryan’s car with the top
down was bliss. I didn’t even care what it was doing to my hair. It was a warm
night and I wasn’t really paying attention to where he was driving. We had been
driving about 15 minutes when I finally asked where we were heading.
“Just driving. We can turn around
up ahead and head back to town. I thought it would be nice to have a fire at my
place.”
“That sounds wonderful. I’m am
getting a little cold. Where do you live?”
“Over by Liam. We’re practically
neighbors.”
“Oh, nice. Are you on the water
too?”
“Yup. I live two houses up from
Liam.”
It doesn’t take long to get to
Ryan’s and he gets the fire started pretty quickly. His patio is gorgeous.
There was a full stone fireplace and comfortable seats scattered around the
whole patio. I could hear the waves from where we were sitting.
He turns from the fire and asks
“Would you like something to drink?”
“I’d love a Pepsi, if you have
one.”
“That all?”
“Yes, I don’t really like to
drink.” Laughing, I add, “It makes me clumsy.”
“Well, in that case, I can
certainly understand your reluctance to drink.” Flashing his dimple he walks
over to the outdoor refrigerator and grabs me a drink. Sitting next to me, he
hands me my drink. Leaning over, he casually drapes his arm around my shoulders
asking “Are you warm enough? I can get you a sweatshirt.”
Snuggling in a little closer to him
I reply “No, I think I’m ok. Thanks.”
Ryan looks down at me and leans in
slowly. His kiss is gentle and soft and I kiss him back. It quickly intensifies
as he slips his arms around me. Before I realize what’s happening I’m lying
beneath him and his hands are roaming every part of my body.
“STOP?!” I yell as I break the
kiss. I’m frantically trying to sit up.
“What’s the problem?” he asks.
“It’s not like you’ve never had sex before.”
Incredulously I look at him and say
“What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve never had sex with you and I’m never
going to!”
“Really Pam, never? I could have
any girl I want and I chose you. You could show a little more gratitude.”
I’m so mad I’m practically spitting
as I say “Are you for real? You “chose” me. Like I should be thankful or
something that you noticed me?”
“Yeah, something like that.” He
replies.
I finally manage to stand up and
gather my things. “I want to go home.”
“Good luck with that. I’m
comfortable and I don’t really feel like driving at the moment.”
“Seriously? You’re not going to
drive me home?”
“Seriously. I’m not going to drive
you home. See you in Biology Monday.” He says as he walks into the house;
shutting the outdoor lights off as he locks the patio door.
Standing in the semi-dark of the
patio, I go to grab my phone and text Patrice but can’t quite bring myself to
get her to bail me out. Again. Pulling myself together, I walk around to the
front and head for the road. I walk past his car and have to resist the urge to
gouge it with my keys. Screw it; I take my keys out and gouge a line right down
the driver’s side of the car. Then for good measure I walk back to the front
gouging it again. It makes me feel a little better knowing how pissed he’ll be
when he sees it.
Walking down the street away from
Ryan’s I’m thankful that I decided to wear my Converse and not my ballet flats.
The weather has changed and the wind is coming off the water and it’s getting
cold. Not to mention that I have at least four miles to walk to get home. What
the hell was wrong with me? I should have known that it was too good to be
true. Why would Ryan want to go out with me? I’ve had one real relationship
with the nicest guy in the world and I even manage to screw that up. Honestly,
I’m a mess.
Walking on the side of the road,
I’ve gone about a mile when I step wrong and lose my footing. I fall, scraping
one knee and slightly rolling my ankle. Perfect! I sit back and start to cry.
I’ll never make it home on my own. Jesus, I need to get a grip. it’s only a few
more miles. I’m pretty sure that I just passed the entrance to Liam’s a few
minutes ago.
As I limp down the road, I tell
myself I can do this. It’s easy. Besides Ryan will not be the person to beat
me. Monday is going to be ridiculous. I shake off that thought. I just need to
get home. That’s my only goal. Then I feel the first drop. Then the second.
PERFECT! It’s raining. Gah, I hate my life! I put my head down and keep
limping.
I walked about another half mile.
I’m soaked. My ankle hurts and I have blood running down my leg. My skirt is
riding up and my pretty white shirt is plastered to me. I hear a car coming
from behind me. They’ll just have to go around me. I cringe as the car comes
closer. I’d know that sound anywhere. Crap, it’s Tommy. PERFECT! I’ll bet the
Danielle is with him.
Tommy’s truck drives passed me and
slows to a stop. He gets out and I can hear Danielle yelling at him to mind his
business and get back in the truck. Tommy ignores her. “Pam? Is that you?”
Rolling my eyes, I answer him “Yes,
Tommy, it’s me.”
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I’m out for a walk.”
“Really Pam?”
“Really Tommy.”
By this time Danielle has rolled
down the window and is yelling for Tommy to get back in the truck. Tommy
continues to ignore her.
“Let me drive you home.”
“NO” Danielle screams from the
truck.
“Seems like your girlfriend isn’t
too fond of your idea.”
“It’s my truck Pam and I’ll drive
whomever I want. Are you going to tell me what happened?”
“I’m an idiot; that’s what
happened. I thought Ryan was a good guy and when I wouldn’t have sex with him,
he told me to leave and refused to drive me home. So here I am. Wet, bloody,
and miserable and having to have you and her” I gesture with my head toward the
truck “witness my humiliation. Honestly, Tommy, the last thing I want to do is
get in that truck with the two of you.”
“Tell you what.” Tommy starts “Let
me drive Danielle home and I’ll come back and get you, OK?”
“Sure. That sounds great.”
“I’ll be back in ten minutes.
Probably less.”
“K. Thanks Tommy.”
Tommy walks back to his truck and
Danielle is already yelling at him. “We were going to stop before you took me
home. I can’t believe you’re going to take me home early so you can come back
for HER.”
For the first time since I found
out they were dating, I felt really bad for Tommy. I watch them drive off and
resume walking. My ankle still hurts but resting actually seems to have helped
it a bit. I’m only a few blocks from home when Tommy finally catches up with
me.
“Hey, I told you to wait that I’d
be back to get you.”
“Yeah but I’m almost home so no big
deal. Thanks for the offer.”
“Get in I’ll take you the rest of
the way.”
“I’m good, thanks. I’ll see you at
school Monday.”
Tommy watches me walk away. After a
few minutes I hear him drive away. Reaching home all I want to do is have a
scalding hot shower and go to sleep. I open the front door and Ellie and Louis
are in the family room watching a movie.
“Pam, what happened? Are you
alright?”
“I’m fine Ellie, I just need a
shower and go to bed.”
“Pam...”
“Really Ellie, I’m fine. I don’t
want to talk about it. OK?”
After my shower I climb in bed
grabbing my stuffed elephant, Kevin, for comfort. I wonder if maybe I can
convince my parents to let me transfer to an all girls’ school in Switzerland.
How much could that cost? At least I have all weekend to worry about what the
hell is going to happen in school on Monday.
I can’t sleep and find myself wide
awake in the early morning; it’s still gray but the rain seems to have stopped.
Pushing myself out of bed I head out for a bike ride to see if I can’t get out
of my own head. Riding around town, it’s so quiet and peaceful. I take the long
way around but eventually end up at the beach.
I’m lying in the sand, eyes closed, listening as the wave’s crash against
the rocks. I shiver against the early September chill, snuggling into my
sweatshirt for warmth. A shadow crosses my face and I open my eyes, looking up
I see Tommy.
I reclose my eyes, “How did you know where to find me?”
“I texted you a few times when you didn’t answer I thought you
were either ignoring me or were here.”
“Sorry that you and Danielle fought about me last night.”
“It would have been something else Pam so don’t sweat it. But it
doesn’t matter since we broke up. She was pretty furious when she found out I
was serious about going back to get you. She said some things that were really
unforgivable. So I told her we were finished.”
“Oh. Sorry for causing you so much misery.”
Tommy sits down next to me. He reaches out to take my hand but
doesn’t “Pammy, I miss you and I have for months.”
“Ditto.” Is all I can
manage before I start to cry.
Tommy leans over and kisses me on the cheek. “Can we try this
again?”
Nodding my head I lean over and kiss
him. He kisses me back and wraps his arms around me.
It feels so good to be back in his
arms. It’s where I belong.
